I love you & I’m so sorry

*** WARNING ***

This post is entirely for me. This has nothing to do with writing and entirely personal.

I need to post this to get it off my heart that is so, so heavy. I recently lost my house rabbit who has been a part of our life for 8.5 years. If you don’t want to read a sad post, then carry on. I’ll be posting again in a few days once I’m back at work to give an update on DOLLARS and other books in the works. The past few days has been very, VERY hard since our best-friend, fur-child, and favourite creature passed on Saturday night/ Sunday morning in our arms.

Thanks for understanding the depth of my love for this bunny and why I needed to post this.

(names have been removed. typos haven’t been corrected)

****

20151005_132344

“I LOVE YOU AND I’M SO SORRY”

I loved you from the first time I saw you in that shop window and rescued you from being snake food. You were the best $30.00 I ever spent.

I loved you when I carried you down Bondi road in the cardboard box you came in, knowing that hubby would have a fit when I brought you home without his knowledge. However, it was stupid worrying, he fell in love with you as fast as I did.

I loved you that first night when a tiny face cloth fit you as a perfect blanket. You were so small.

I loved that you slotted into our lives as if you’d always been there.

I loved you every time you ran crazy around our one bedroom apartment, launching off furniture as if you had wings.

I loved you even when you chewed the light cord, short-circuited the house, and singed your whiskers.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I loved you when you were so well-trained and obedient right from the start and even when you lost your manners when hormones kicked in.

I loved you when you peed on hubby as you became attracted to him. You were determined he marry you instead of me.

I loved when we had your female bits removed (ouch, I’m sorry) and you pulled out your stitches three times and were the only bunny who ever had to wear an e-collar according to the vet.

I loved you when you sat on my desk as I ran our business from home.

I loved the noises you made when chewing banana and how your eyes glowed when I bought you fresh garden veggies.

I loved you when you chewed important paperwork and pretended to bite hubby’s play-station cord if you thought you were being ignored (you were never ignored, you cheeky pest).

I loved you when you flopped beside us or at our feet for hours’ worth of cuddles because we could never resist how adorable and cunning you were at wrapping us around your little paw.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
CAMPING in Byron Bay

I loved you when you were naughty and especially when you were mad. Your opinions and moods were so well conversed and it made me so happy to see your epic personality.

I loved you when you waited by the back door every morning to go for an explore outside. And even when you refused to come inside, even when I begged.

I loved how you gave us kisses on our noses and cheeks as we spent all night on the floor with you taking turns to show you how much we were smitten.

I loved how you came to sleep in our bedroom in your matching little bed and cover.

I loved you coming on our road trips to Byron bay, Gold Coast, Brisbane, and all around Sydney—hanging in the car with us and trusting us impeccably.

I loved you even when you came on a plane to our new home and peed on my pillow to tell me off and ignored me for two days. (Hubby never got the pissed off treatment).

I loved you when we renovated our house and you’d take off with pieces of stripped wallpaper with us chasing after you.

I loved you when you mountaineered on timber suppliers while hubby renovated walls, and were so curious about everything we were doing.

RENOIR
Renovation Bunny

I loved how you’d brush against freshly painted walls and end up with a white splash on your perfect blue fur.

I loved how you loved us in return and the gentle wonderful look in your eye that spoke of such a pure little soul.

I loved how you always got excited when we talked to you and always greeted us in the morning as if we’d been apart for days.

I loved how every night hubby would come to see you around 3 am just to give you a kiss and make sure you were safe when you were too old to come sleep in our bedroom and chose the lounge instead.

I loved you when you slept beneath my writing chair every day, keeping me company when no one else was home.

I loved how you held my secrets and always understood what I said to you.

I loved your soul—your wonderful, calming, pure little soul.

RENOIR
True love

I loved how you knew when we needed a cuddle and always there with your tiny bunny tongue and sweet kisses.

I loved you every minute, every hour, every day of the 8.5 years we were lucky enough—HONOURED enough—to have you part of our lives.

Even now, my dear little fluff bucket, I love you so damn much. And now, I must apologise because my heart is so, so heavy with guilt.

I need to say how sorry I am.

RENOIR
Sleepy Time

I’m sorry for taking you to the vet and stressing you out.

I’m sorry for agreeing to the bladder stone removal at your advanced age. You were a happy, sweet bunny (old but maintained with your daily pain killers) only a few days ago.

I’m sorry we were selfish enough to need to keep you in our life even if you were in pain.

I’m sorry you had to fight daily with your bladder and tiny bones.

I’m sorry you are gone.

I’m sorry for being responsible because you are gone.

I’m sorry for stealing the few more months/ years we could’ve had together if we didn’t try to help you with an operation.

I’m so sorry, little girl, and I will never forgive myself.

I’m sorry our perfect trio has become such an unhappy duo.

We love you so much. SO SO much.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Sneaked into a motel in Brisbane. Shush, no one knew

We love you with every tear we shed, every crack in our grief-broken hearts, and every guilt we breathe knowing we hastened your departure.

We love you and we beg for your forgiveness. We took a risk with odds that were explained to us that were better than what they were. We gambled on your life and lost.

We lost you.

We’ve lost you forever and…well, that hurts more than words can ever say.

I hope you can forgive us.

I hope you are happy, pain-free, and adored wherever you have transcended to.

I hope you know you’ll forever have a home with us.

I hope you have unlimited cranberries, endless sunshine, miles of soft blankets, and oceans full of kisses until we find you again.

You will never leave our hearts and we will hold you again when our time comes.

Don’t forget us ***** Bunny.

Because we will never ever forget you.

You taught us how to be better people.

RENOIR
Close up of such a pretty face

You taught us empathy, compassion, kindness, and love.

You taught us not to fuss about mess or worry what other people think.

You taught us how to be happy.

We will never ever replace you. We could NEVER replace you. You were one in a billion bunny and we were so damn lucky to have you for the time we did.

We will never stop loving you.

We will never stop thinking about you.

You will always be a part of us until we chase you to the after life.

Love your forever-after broken-hearted parents.

RIP

***

In your memory, today I got my first ever tattoo.

I will wear you on my skin forever. I will see you there while I write. I will have you near me always.

I will love you forever.

I’m sorry. xxxxx

20160822_225120

 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “I love you & I’m so sorry

  1. My daughter and I know the love that is bunny love. I feel for you both. Know that you did nothing wrong though, Pepper. Don’t carry that burden. You were looking after Bunny. xxx

  2. Please don’t blame yourself Pepper! You did what you felt was best and were only trying to help your baby. She knows you tried to help her. Animals are smarter than we give them credit for. She knows you both love her and I’m sure she lived the best 8.5 yrs any bunny could ask for. It’s obvious she did. Just know she is in a better place and you will see her again one day. I believe that with all my heart. She looks so happy and comfy in those pics! 💖🤗 Do not blame yourself anymore! Xoxo Jill

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss! This is heart breaking I know, and really only time will help ease the pain of losing someone so dear. I wish for you and your hubby much needed comfort and peace very soon. Your bunny was beautiful, and she forgives you and knows that you loved her infinitely.

  4. Please know that you are not to blame. As a pet owner, or better said, a person that is loved and kept by animals, I totally understand your loss. May your pictures and memories comfort you always.

  5. Pepper,

    I think as parents, which you were, to this beautiful creature, that we want to help-to heal those with whom we love. That’s part of being a great parent- we do what we think is best, we go above abd beyond to try and help heal those who are hurting. It doesn’t make us bad people, it makes us human.
    We love with every fiber of our being. We put the care of other’s, our children- before our own.
    You were amazing parents to bunny. You loved her as any person could love their child. Bunny was extremely blessed to have such, caring, compassionate parents. I beautiful life- that you said so yourself- would’ve never been had it not been for the love you had for her.
    I am so very sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts.
    (((((Hugs)))))

  6. I am so sorry for your loss! In time it will get better , she look so happy in the pics and time will heal all things .Xoxo.

  7. Oh Pepper, I’m so sorry and cry with you. Please don’t blame yourself, you gave Bunny a whole and loving life. I’m sure Bunny got back as much as ya’ll gave her. I’ve never had a bunny as a pet, I’m into dogs…German Shepherds…But I know our fur babies are just as important to us as children. (I have 3 kids, grown and gone now)

    I lost my Beau 3 years ago, Dec 19th…I still miss him, I still hurt for him. I still see shadows of him. I held it together and soothed him, talking to him until his last breath. AND then I lost it. So did my hubby, we cried together and my hubby does not cry, which made it even worse. We had Beau cremated and he sits on top of my book shelf, where I can see him everyday. The house was so quite and dead to us when he left, We just couldn’t stand it. So 3 weeks later we got 2 puppies. My house is full of life once again. We’ll never forget Beau, he can NEVER be replaced, BUT, my new fur babies take some of the sting away.

    Unfortunately, death is a part of life, I just wish God would have given our fur babies a longer life span here on earth. Seems like a cruel trick…but it is what it is. It will get better with time, I promise!

    So Sorry Pepper ((hugs)) xoxoxoxox

  8. Wow, that was truly amazing. Thank you for sharing such a hard but beautiful story. Your bunny was very well loved it sounds like and no one can fault you for taking care of the ones you love, especially yourself. RIP Bunny.

  9. I’m sorry for your loss, though the love will last forever. Don’t tarnish your love with regret or apologies, as you made those choices out of love and respect for your bunny. You chose to try to better it’s life as a life in pain is no way to truly live (I’m living with a pain disorder so I get pain) when you love you want your loved ones to be in peace and to be happy and that’s why you chose the surgery because of the love you have for your bunny. Your bunny is now your angel, existing pain and anxiety free. Release the pain and keep the love and memories. Rest in love little bunny.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s